


A More Rewording Job

by ThayerKerbasy



Series: Team No Chill [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Universe, Fix-It, Gen, Implied Relationships, POV Coleman the Cooler, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28117662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: Carry on, my cooler sonThere'll be puns when you are doneLay your weary lid to restDon't you write no more
Relationships: Coleman Cooler & Impala & Sam Winchester's Laptop, Coleman Cooler & Impala (Supernatural), Coleman Cooler & Sam Winchester's Laptop
Series: Team No Chill [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/801555
Comments: 17
Kudos: 13
Collections: SPNColdestHits





	A More Rewording Job

**Author's Note:**

> In this house, 15.20 was an unacceptable finale.

Coleman’s been through a lot of shit, even for an old green cooler. Most coolers have never held a still-living monster head or been turned into a cartoon (temporarily), and he’s probably the only cooler who’s helped to kill a hellhound. Still, when capital G God got involved, Coleman knew he was out of his league. What can a cooler do against the creator of everything?

He has no problem admitting that Sam and Dean are the heroes of the hour. Okay, Jack helped, but he couldn’t have done what he needed to do if the Winchesters didn’t distract Chuck by being his punching bags. Coleman might be a little biased, but he’s proud of his boys.

Jack restored everyone who was gone, fixing all of creation, blah blah blah. Everything’s alright again, so why can’t Coleman shake this nagging feeling that something’s still not right?

_It’s Cas, you useless hunk of plastic,_ Mac so rudely interrupts. _For all that you claim I only care about Sam, even I know it’s not right to leave Cas in the Empty._

Coleman has never in his life forgotten about Cas, but he can’t just say that. _Okay, but you admit I am a hunk._

_Eww, don’t be gross, Coleman,_ says Baby. _You know if Mac ever decides to compliment you, it sure as hell won’t be like that._

Having successfully deflected suspicion, Coleman can ignore that. _Okay, but how do we help Cas? Shouldn’t we just leave it up to Jack?_

_You didn’t deflect shit,_ replies Baby. _We do need to worry more about Cas and less about your ego, though. Mac, you’re our research specialist. What can we do?_

_Honestly, I’m not sure. I’ve scoured the internet for information on the Empty, but since the guys only learned about it a couple years ago, there isn’t much out there. All I found is Chuck’s ao3 account._

Coleman hates it when Mac starts talking technobabble. _Never heard of that. Is that something like Tweeter or Snapgram?_

_That’s Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram, you moron,_ Baby unfairly replies. _Dean has all of them on his phone. Dunno what ao3 is, though._

The air passing through Mac’s cooling vents sounds suspiciously like a sigh. _It’s a site for sharing fanfiction. I guess Chuck was writing_ Supernatural _fanfic? Doesn’t make much sense, considering he created the universe. Why’s he need fanfic?_

_Wait._ Coleman knows he’s not the brightest one of their little crew — he’s literally the only one of the three of them without electric lighting — but sometimes things just make sense. _Chuck was always talking about his stories. Maybe this is how he controlled people?_

_Oh shit._ No one can say for sure who says it, because they’re all thinking it.

What if it still has power? What if it’s Chuck’s final plan to delete the last remaining universe? One wrong button and existence could disappear!

_We have to delete it,_ says Mac.

Coleman nearly falls off the seat in his haste to shout, _NO! What if that erases us?_

Okay, this time it’s definitely a sigh. _How would that even work?_

_I dunno, but I don’t wanna be zapped out of existence._

_Guys!_ Baby shouts over them. _We could use this to fix things. What if we rewrite Chuck’s story our way and then publish it? We could use his saved mojo to fix everything._

If Coleman could jump, he’d jump for joy. He’s pretty sure he manages a little wiggle, at least. _We’d be heroes! Well, you guys’d be heroes, since I already am._

The way Baby manages to convey the sense of rolling her eyes will never fail to make Coleman both jealous and irritated, which is probably why she does it so often. What she says, however, is, _Yes, Coleman, we’d be heroes, but nobody would know except us._

He tries a shrug. In his imagination, he totally pulls it off. _Cool by me._

_Ugh, now is not the time for puns._

Mac prevents him from defending his excellent pun by asking, _Okay, but what should our story be? In Chuck’s version, the guys seem to forget everyone they ever cared about, Dean dies impaled on a piece of rebar, and Sam lives to be an old man with a family, but he does it super sadly. They’re reunited in Heaven, ‘cause Jack changes Heaven to make it nicer, but it’s just the two of them._

_What?_ gasps Coleman. _That’s awful!_

_I know! So let’s fix it._

Coleman isn’t sure where to start, but he knows one thing has to happen. _First off, delete Dean dying. I know we can’t delete the whole story, but take that part right out._

_Definitely,_ Baby agrees. _I mean, he’s gotta die sometime, but not until he’s, like, eighty._

Mac’s keyboard doesn’t make much noise when he’s the one typing, but Coleman can still tell he’s typing a lot. He doesn’t even stop typing when he says, _Alright, Dean lives to be eighty. What else?_

_He rescues Cas._ Coleman takes a deep imaginary breath before plowing forward. _I dunno how — maybe he can use the key to Death’s library, and he goes there to try to rewrite Cas’ death book, but he finds a friendly reaper who shows him how to get Cas back or something. Whatever, point is, Dean’s gotta be the one to save Cas._

Mac and Baby are suspiciously silent until Mac says, _Wouldn’t it be easier to just get Jack to put the Empty back to sleep and jailbreak everyone?_

_Yeah, probably, but Cas rescued Dean from Hell, so I was thinking Dean saving Cas from the Empty just feels right._

A wisp of warm air whooshes out of Baby’s vents. _Aww Coleman, I didn’t know you were such a romantic! You big ol’ softie._

_What? There’s nothing soft about me. I’m a heavy metal hero!_

_Yeah, you keep telling yourself that._

_Friendly reaper…Cas back…_ Mac mutters to himself before adding, _Maybe after Dean rescues Cas, Jack can give the rest of the angels and demons their own corner of Heaven. I mean, nobody deserves to stew in their regrets forever, right?_

Coleman immediately sees a problem with that. _Umm…_

_Yeah, uh, Mac?_ says Baby. _You weren’t around for the whole first apocalypse. There’s a few folks who kinda do deserve that._

_Alright,_ says Mac, _I’ll just put the idea in Jack’s head and he can decide what to do with it. If he wants to free some and leave the others to stew in their regrets, that’s okay._

_Could you, uh, make sure he frees Crowley?_ Coleman knows he’s never going to hear the end of it, but some things are worth being teased for. _Dude just figured out how to walk away from Team Evil when he got suckered into dying for the story. He deserves another shot, too._

Baby’s attention conspicuously shifts fully to Coleman. _I knew you liked Crowley! You can stow your excuses, the truth has come out._

_Hey, you’d probably like him, too, if you actually gave him a chance._

_Yeah, yeah, that’s what anyone with a crush on a demon would say._

_What? No! I just think he’s a fun dude to share a beer with._

_Guys, shut up!_ Mac shouts. _Coleman, nobody actually cares what you think about Crowley. Baby, let it go. It’s in the story now, Jack’s going to free Crowley from the Empty. We’ve got no idea how much time we have before this thing posts on its own, so quit fucking around and help me write this thing._

_Sorry, Mac._

_Yeah, sorry, Mac, you’re right. Why don’t we write some stuff for Sam now._

_As it happens, I do have a few ideas._

_Fire away, Mac,_ says Baby. _Are we sending Sam back to law school?_

_No way,_ Mac replies, his cooling fans whirring like they do when he’s really into something. _Sam’s not that guy anymore. He’s a natural born leader, so I think he should take over Bobby’s old job. I know, I never met Bobby, but a laptop hears things, you know._

Alright, Coleman can get behind that. He has no real opinions on Sam’s future beyond a suggestion for less messy smoothie cups, so he does the polite thing and keeps his non-existent mouth shut.

_Okay, that makes sense,_ says Baby. _And being in charge of all the North American hunters means he wouldn’t be traveling all over the country, so he could actually try the whole apple pie life with someone. Ooooh are we going to pair Sam off with someone?_

Mac’s fans whir a little faster. _That’s exactly what I was thinking! I can’t decide, though. He had this whole thing going with Eileen, and he learned sign language just for her, but he had a thing with Rowena before that, and he took her loss really hard. I’m not sure which relationship would be optimal for him._

_I mean, if it was up to me, I’d say Eileen, just because Rowena’s magic sometimes involves things that could stink up my interior. I’m not sure what’s best for Sam, though._

_You see my dilemma._

Something about their words feels wrong. Coleman can’t quite put his finger on it, and not just because he doesn’t have any fingers. Maybe talking through it might help. _So, you wanna make Sam the new Bobby. It’d be a good fit for him. And you wanna figure out who’d be the best girlfriend for him, which, I guess, is kinda smart, given his history. I mean, all his tragic romances are because of Chuck, but, oh! Oh, I know what was bugging me._

_Did we forget someone?_

_Is there a better job for him?_

_No, you jackasses. We forgot free fucking will. We can’t go deciding our boys’ futures. That’d make us no better than Chuck._

_Shit,_ says the ever-so-eloquent Baby.

_Damn,_ says Mac. _You’re right._

If Coleman could grin, he’d be grinning from ear to ear.

_Shut up, genius. You also don’t have ears._

_Okay, but you don’t need to rub it in, Baby. Point is, I’m right._

_Yeah, but that puts us back at square one, and we still don’t know how long we have until the disaster story becomes reality._

_Wait, I’ve got it!_ Mac’s keys start their soft clicking again. _It was right there in front of me the whole time._

_What? What is it?_

_Shut up and let me finish._

Waiting is hard. Coleman contemplates fidgeting. If he had hands he could twiddle his thumbs, but if he had legs he could jiggle one or both of them. Then again, if he had a mouth he could both talk and make satisfyingly annoying noises to pass the time.

_Coleman,_ says Baby, her mental voice cold as ice (which, in Coleman’s opinion, is a bold and sexy move on her part). _If you don’t stop that right now, I personally guarantee the next time you’re full of smoothies, you’re going to mysteriously get flipped off the seat._

Coleman isn’t sure how she manages it, but he shivers. _Keep talking to me like that, and it’ll be worth it._

_Dude, gross._

_You’re both disgusting,_ says Mac. _Stop talking and I’ll read you what I wrote._

Obediently, they both shut up.

_With Chuck powerless and Jack (and Amara) in charge of the universe, Sam and Dean are finally free to choose their own fates. They might get a little help from Jack, but mostly, whatever they do will be all them. They’re free to live long and happy lives surrounded by the people they love, both found family and romantic partners. Also, they both go to a hunter-friendly therapist, because Chuck fucked them up something awful._

There’s silence when Mac finishes reading, as both Baby and Coleman process his words. Coleman can’t speak for the others, but Baby’s thoughts hang in the air like the background hum of her engine. What little he can pick out while thinking his own thoughts, he agrees with, and he gets the sense Baby agrees with his.

_Post it,_ says Baby.

About a minute passes before Coleman can’t take it anymore. _How do we know if it worked?_

_Beats me,_ says Mac, _but I’ve already got three hits on this fic._

If Coleman could physically shake Mac, he wouldn’t hesitate. _I don’t know what that means and I don’t wanna know. All I care about is if our guys are gonna die sad or not._

_Can it, you glorified tin can_ , says Baby. _Dean’s coming over._

Dean had literally never been able to hear any of them, but they all shut up, nonetheless. The passenger side door opens and Dean reaches in to pick up Mac. “There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You’re gonna help me find a way to save Cas.”

Despite her injunction to Coleman, Baby gasps, a soft intake of air through her vents. _We did it!_

_Damn right we did._ Coleman is sure he manages to do a happy wiggle this time. _We told a better story than the creator of the universe. Chuck deserves to go to writers’ court. Know why?_

_You’d better not say what I think you’re going to say._

_To be sentenced!_

_If it were up to me, I’d sentence you to life without parole in the trunk._

_Are you hitting on me? You can’t tell, but I’m wiggling the eyebrows I don’t have._

_On? No. Hitting? If I could._

_C’mon, Baby. Writers have great climaxes, y’know._

From under Dean’s arm, on his way out of the garage, Mac calls back, _It’s true, we do. Also, seven days without a pun makes one weak._

Baby groans. _Not you, too._

Concentrating as hard as he can, Coleman sends the impression of finger guns to Mac. Every now and then, they speak the same language. _Hey Mac, metaphors be with you!_

Baby’s pained wince is all the reward he could ever wish for.

**Author's Note:**

> [This month's challenge for Coldest Hits](https://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/635330147450535936/december-2020-prompt-fix-it-posting-dates) was to rewrite the SPN finale. I decided to take that literally.


End file.
